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Is it possible to intentionally make love happen in a romantic relationship? And what does it mean to consciously love someone?

These questions were raised by a recent viral tweet in which a woman, talking about her relationship, said that her boyfriend had made a conscious decision on their first date to love her before developing deep feelings.

"He didn't wait for feelings. He just met me and thought I was a great person who he is just going to love and I'm definitely grateful for having a chance to experience this kind of love," the woman said in a follow-up to the original tweet, which has received more than 80,000 likes at the time of writing and been retweeted over 7,000 times.

But what do experts say about whether or not we can deliberately make ourselves love someone?

"It's possible to consciously and intentionally love someone or decide to love someone—an important distinction to make however is whether you're forcing yourself to be in a romantic partnership with someone because you think you should, versus intentionally choosing to love someone because you know it's in your highest alignment to do so," Diana Eskander, an expert love coach and TEDx Speaker, told Newsweek.

"In many ways, love is a conscious choice," she said. "For example, choosing to see someone through a loving lens, focusing on the positive, all that is good about them—versus what most of us do, [which is] focus on what's missing—and choosing loving words and actions."

According to Eskander, love is actually a daily choice, especially for people who are in long-term relationships. "So in many ways the answer to whether you can 'make' yourself love someone is both a yes and a no," she said.

"No, you can't make yourself feel something that isn't there—and yes, you can love someone by choosing to feel love for them, which will grow over time as you keep leading with that feeling."

Is consciously or intentionally loving someone a good basis for a relationship? According to Eskander, it depends on the situation.

"If you have to force yourself into loving someone because you think you should, then no, this isn't a healthy foundation because it's not sustainable," she said. "While love requires attention and intention, it also needs to be balanced with a certain level of effortless flow."

On the other hand, "being intentional about choosing to see the best in someone and directing loving feelings towards them is a beautiful foundation for every relationship."

For Eskander, to consciously love means to be intentional about the kind of relationship you want to be in, as well as being deeply committed to growth. Appreciating yourself and your partner can help you to forge a closer connection.

"Conscious love actually gets stronger over time, versus what most of us know—the fleeting experience of the honeymoon phase," Eskander said.

Ronjonette O'Bannon, a social work administrator and psychotherapist who specializes in relationship issues, told Newsweek many people don't invest enough time in exploring the internal experiences that shape their needs to connect in intimate relationships.

"Being intentional in any relationship has many long-term benefits and can provide a sound foundation in a romantic relationship," she said. "But this is especially true for committed adult relationships. The dictionary defines intentionality as purposeful, deliberate, and with conscious effort.

"In adult relationships, intentional love may look like taking an active role in creating the relationships you desire by reflecting on your past experiences and current relational needs. If you don't know your relational requirements or how to articulate them, how can you choose a partner capable of meeting them?"

According to O'Bannon, here are some questions that you can use to self-reflect and assess your relational needs:

• What makes me feel connected to people?
• What are my intimacy needs?
• What do I like sexually?
• How has my trauma affected me?
• How have I learned to address/heal from traumatic experiences? What are my triggers?
• How do I define spirituality?
• What is my love language?

"Intentional love can be both good and challenging in romantic relationships," said O'Bannon. "If we think of intentional love, we would determine that this concept is not only a reasonable basis for a thriving relationship but necessary for establishing mature love."

You can take actionable steps to create what you want in a relationship, according to O'Bannon. These may include:

• Being clear on your relationship purpose
• Identifying one another's boundaries
• Thinking about how you'll support each other's individual and shared growth
• Having a clear understanding of how each person gives and receives love
• Making your deal-breakers clear
• Setting expectations for your physical, emotional, and spiritual needs
• Being aware of one another's trauma history and triggers

The most important thing, O'Bannon said, is to be flexible and don't put too much pressure on creating a perfect relationship. Instead work towards creating a healthy relationship.

"Healthy love isn't something that just happens. It takes time, a conscious effort, and commitment," she said. "When you embark on your journey to find love, don't forget to date safely and consciously."

Uncommon Knowledge

Newsweek is committed to challenging conventional wisdom and finding connections in the search for common ground.

Newsweek is committed to challenging conventional wisdom and finding connections in the search for common ground.

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